Be Still.

Psalms 46:10 “He says, ‘Be still and know that I am God.’”

Being still is probably one of my least favorite things in the world. I remember doing history lessons as a kid around the kitchen table (homeschooling for the win), and needing to fill in the coloring page while listening to the lesson to be able to actually focus and take in information. Even more so, when dealing with any kind of stress or anxiety, I always need something to fiddle with – sticky tac and stress balls in elementary school have evolved into reaching ridiculously high levels of Candy Crush and browsing Instagram. It makes me feel like I’m doing something, even if the thing I’m doing has no bearing on what the stressor is. Sitting still just doesn’t come naturally to me, and it certainly doesn’t seem to bring me to a state of peace.

The last couple months I’ve found myself in a time of waiting. I made a big decision, feeling very clearly led by God, and since then I’ve been waiting for what’s next. And I really hate waiting. I am a planner by nature, and not knowing what my life will look like even three months from now creates a deep sense of unease in me.

I have discovered that I often feel this pressure, especially when I’m trying to share my faith and talk about Jesus, that I need to have life all figured out. It seems crazy to actually put into words, but I have this idea instilled in me that I am not allowed to struggle, or be scared or overwhelmed. Somehow those things seem like weakness, and I don’t want to admit that I struggle with trust.

I am scared. I’m terrified. I feel like I’m in exactly the same position I was a year ago, feeling like I had few constants in my life and unnerved by the rapid and significant changes. I’ve been reliving memories of that stress and pain, which has added to the tension of my current situation, even though now it’s not nearly as dire.

The irony of all this, of course, is that through that situation I became who I am. I was given some of the most incredible opportunities, and met and developed relationships with a lot of fantastic people. It ended up being a really good thing, and a massive experience of growth for me. Despite this, I’m still scared. I don’t want to sit still. I want to take things into my own hands, make a timeline for my life so I always know exactly what the next day holds. But that’s not how life works.

I don’t know where my next paycheck is coming from. I don’t know what I’ll be doing when I finish school in a couple months. I don’t know how I’m going to say goodbye to the community I’ve been immersed in. The reality of endings is daunting. And the space of uncertainty that I am living in is driving me absolutely crazy.

What I do know is that God has not given me a spirit of fear.

I know that He is good.

I know that He is faithful. He has shown this to me time and time again.

I know is that He is reshaping my priorities and plans everyday, and even though it doesn’t seem to make any sense, it’s preparing me for whatever it is that He has next for me.

I am continuing to fight against anxiety and doubt, but I am able to live in the beautiful reality that the battle has already been won. Ultimately, my life is not my own. And my priorities are not based on myself, but on God alone. I may never enjoy living in the unknown, but there are few guarantees in this life, and I refuse to submit to a life bound by chains of fear.

I don’t need to know what my future holds, because I know who holds it. And that is enough.